Have a question: e-mail Rob Gleason and Steven Stoker at headtoheadcolumn@gmail.com.

 

Dear Head to Head,

I just can’t deal with the dorm food! Everything smells like onions, and although they claim some of the food is healthy, I’m pretty sure the Iams ProActive-Health brand dog food I saw them scoop into the tacos doesn’t count. I’m on the verge of losing my Freshman 15. How do you survive dorm food?

Dave, freshman Halls North

 

Dear Dave,

You know the feeling when you pull off a Band-Aid really fast to get the pain over with? Your body does the same thing with processing cafeteria food. Even before you have finished chewing your meatloaf-and-chocolate-smore’s-quesadilla, your body has it “digested” and pounding at the exit door, demanding its way out with Mt. St. Helen’s diarrhea ready to erupt out your sphincter.

You don’t have to put up with this, Dave. You can eat elsewhere.

“But I’m already paying twice the country’s national debt in tuition, and they are charging a $500 cover at the book store, before even buying books! I don’t have money for other food!” you may argue. 

Dave, as you may well know, freshman year is a time to meet new people, and one of these people will be a lovely man named Ramen. And although a cardboard box may have more nutrients than a box of Ramen noodles, it will last in your stomach for more than 15 minutes, and more importantly you can buy a dumptruck full of these noodle cubes with less than seven cents. 

However, the most important college eating strategy is taking advantage of free food, three meals a day. So what, if Scam of America Bank just ruined your credit rating for life after signing up for 15 credit cards. Free donuts are free donuts.

Free pizza at LGBT weekly meetings? Be there! Not gay? So what! Gay pizza tastes just like straight pizza (except maybe more sausage).

Are you a horrible writer, clueless about current events, and legally illiterate? So what! There are free subs at the Clarion meeting (that’s how most of their current staff was recruited anyway, myself included).

Insincerely,

Sven

 

Dave,

Sven is right; there are plenty of opportunities for free meals. It should be noted that the LGBT’s free pizza comes with a price: being fabulous.

Truth is, I’m a sucker for free food. One time I let Campus Crusade for Christ baptize me in exchange for a bagel and schmear.

They caught on after I offered to let them circumcise me for the whole dozen.

Ramen noodles are an alternative. They’re perfect if you’re shipping something fragile or want to know what foreign aid tastes like.

But there comes a point where dignity kicks in. Like: “what am I doing at a meeting for the Asian Student Alliance and why is Head to Head’s Steven Stoker here wearing a Komono?”

Is dorm food really that bad or are you just a pre-Madonna?

Here’s the bottom line. If DU isn’t the Four Seasons, try dropping out and see where it gets you.

The cuisine in Halls is a far cry from the prison chow you’ll be eating after you get arrested for insider trading because couldn’t “deal with the food” and missed out on DU’s Ethics curriculum.

Let’s play ‘Would you Rather’. Would you rather put up with DU’s food or share a cell with some guy named “Big-rig Rick” who uses you as a body pillow?

Here’s my ID card, swipe it and give me a tray: it’s lasagna night in Halls.

Sincerely,

Rob