Have a question? E-mail Rob Gleeson and Steven Stoker at headtoheadcolumn@gmail.com.

 

My parents are coming into town this weekend. What should I do?

Scott

Sophomore, Nelson Hall

 

 

Dear Scott,

Your parents coming to town is a rare opportunity that must be taken advantage of. 

Your mom and dad have a special love for you, and it is now your turn to show them how grateful you are for everything they’ve done for you. 

Haha, just kidding.

What they have is money, and it’s your turn to show them how much of it you need.

Go ahead and rent out a storage unit and move most of your old stuff there for the weekend. 

“Yeah mom, the DU burglar really cleaned me out, looks like we are going to need to go shopping.”

“Oh my gosh, honey, shouldn’t we file a police report?”

“You know, Mom, I can make my own decisions now. Where’s that credit card?”

Don’t be embarrassed to go partying with your parents either, because they probably went to college in the 70’s, and with things like disco, hippies, turtlenecks and Neil Diamond, drugs and alcohol were the only way anyone could tolerate that decade.

We’ve all heard the commandment “honor thy father and thy mother.” Well, what better way adhere to that than doing coke lines off a urinal in the Stick-e-Star bathroom with dear old pop? You’re just following teachings of the Bible. 

And let’s face it, you’re mom’s pretty hot.  Maybe she can convince some young frat-boy cougar-hunters to buy drinks for the whole family! Paying off her plastic surgery one gin and tonic at a time. 

Don’t be afraid to go out and make bad decisions with your parents, because hey, that’s why you’re here in the first place. 

Insincerely,

Sven

 

 

Scott,

Your parents are visiting for parents’ weekend and you’re actually going to spend time with them? That’s ultra lame. You may as well staple a sign to your chin that says “virgin.”

If your parents insist on coming, you need to show them that their money is being well spent. The school would appreciate it if, at least for the weekend, you pretended like you were getting your money’s worth.

Start by bragging about how hard your courses are.

“Dad, I’m telling you. WRIT 1111 is harder than Jeopardy.”

If they ask to see some of your coursework, kindly apologize and inform them that all of your work is currently being filed in the Library of Congress. If they’d like to read your paper on pathos, they may access a copy accordingly.

The last thing we need is them reading some sh*tty paper you wrote and then realizing that they’re paying $42,000 for you to be here.

Next, give them a tour of campus. Again, we want them to feel like they’re getting value for their money, so be sure to leave out the ugly buildings.

“Actually Mom, Penrose Library isn’t part of campus. It’s a giant homeless shelter.”

The last stop on the tour will probably be your dorm room. You need to make sure that the blonde sorority girl passed out in your bed is gone before you get back. Only kidding. The blonde sorority girl passed out in your bed was imaginary. Speaking of which, don’t forget to change your sheets. 

Sincerely,

Rob