It took the Virgin Mary nine months to give birth to Christ. It took President Obama less time to win the Nobel Peace Prize. Now THAT’s a miracle.
Like the rest of the country, I have been racking my brain over the last few days trying to understand why President Obama won this ostensibly prestigious award.
While doing so, I have come to the conclusion that my own insignificant accomplishments in the field of international peace surpass those of the president.
For instance, the President gave an important speech on disarmament at the United Nations a few weeks ago.
I gave an important PowerPoint on the same topic just last week in my Intro to International Relations class. The two speeches had about the same effect on disarmament: none.
During the subsequent G20 meeting in Pittsburgh, President Obama, along with his French and British counterparts, exhorted Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to abandon his country’s uranium enrichment program.
Going a step further than President Obama, I organized a Facebook group with some of my international friends to demand an end to the program, even sending Ahmadinejad an invite to the group, which I named “The International Community.”
He has yet to respond to either request.
The five Norwegian members of the Nobel Peace Prize committee (who also have more serious day jobs performing under the stage name Abba) released an official statement suggesting that President Obama didn’t win the Prize for concrete accomplishments, but rather for spreading the messages of hope and goodwill.
In the face of overwhelming skepticism from some of my more faithless friends, I held onto hope that the Broncos would rebound from the offseason loss of Pro Bowl quarterback Jay Cutler to produce a winning season.
The tangible results of President Obama’s hope remain to be seen, but the Broncos are 5-0.
While naysayers might point out that Mr. Obama was only in office for twelve days before the deadline for Peace Prize nominations passed, he did call for the closing of the detention center at Guantanamo Bay on the very first day of his presidency.
I have been calling for the closing of Guantanamo Bay longer than gawky Greenpeace activists have been pestering you “for a minute on the environment, bro.” The detention center remains open, but I haven’t stopped pressing.
Late night comedians, the biggest beneficiaries of the announcement, have been insinuating that President Obama may have been awarded the Prize for one of his lesser known pretend accomplishments, such as his attempt to bring peace and racial harmony to Cambridge, Mass. at the much chortled at “Beer Summit.”
Similarly, I attempted to alleviate the animosity between my two friends Stu and Drew, arising from a conflict over a co-ed, by hosting a “Beam and Coke Summit” at the Stadium.
While the outcome of the Beam and Coke summit is fuzzy, Cambridge remains as dangerous as ever for its upper-class intellectual denizens.
Of course, the most likely reason for awarding President Obama the prize is that he is not George W. Bush.
Although we share an affinity for Beam and Cokes, I am also not George W. Bush. Seeing as how this article took fifteen minutes to write and edit, it would seem that the jokes basically present themselves.
The biggest joke, of course, is the Yasser Arafat award, I mean Nobel Peace Prize. This morning I went into the Mary Reed building and asked for my diploma.
I was informed that I have to finish my credit requirements before receiving a Bachelor’s Degree. Apparently the Nobel Peace Prize doesn’t have such stringent standards.
