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Planetary predictions: What’s in the stars for you this week?

Aquarius

Well into the summer months, you will continue to have nightmares about excessive caffeine consumption, piles of books, cramping fingers and 3 a.m. computer-screen glow. Upon arriving home, drink a warm glass of milk and request your mother to read you a bedtime story and sing you to sleep every night to prevent these terrors.

Pisces

This summer, the beautiful Internet convenience of Skype will allow you to visually contact the people you shared a living space with for the past seven months. This will be strange due to your previous use of this technology to connect with the people you left at home when you began your academic endeavors in Denver. The tables have turned and it will take some time to adjust.

Aries

The cosmos intended to caution you about how you will fare on your impending Spanish final, but has decided doing so could potentially breach the Honor Code, and we wouldn’t want that. Therefore, we cannot morally provide you with any hints. Besides, you’re not one to generally take astrology particularly seriously anyway, so don’t worry about it.

Taurus

You may think your cell phone has been “blowing up” because your friends back home are so excited to see you, and your friends at school wish to see you as much as possible before  your return home the end of the school year, but something has simply gone awry with your cellular device’s hardwiring and it cannot stop vibrating. Consider getting it fixed, as the vibrations are misleading.

Gemini

Think about investing in some sort of mouthguard, even if you don’t grind your teeth, or play hockey. Accidents happen, and you happen to be a particularly accident-prone individual. Perhaps, think about purchasing a helmet, too, while you’re at it.

Cancer

You have been unable to focus your attention on much of anything recently, which has been detrimental to your studying process. Fortunately, you will be able to completely relax and replenish your sense of awareness after you perform semi-satisfactorily on all of your exams.

Leo

When dining out at Chinese restaurants, pay close attention to the fortune cookies you receive, no matter how frivolous they may seem. They are filling in for us this week, since we could not get a good hold on what exactly is in store for you.

Virgo

You will never encounter a manifestation of evil as deceivingly appealing as the stray kitten wandering around campus. Be grateful, but still do not succumb to its overwhelming cuteness.

Libra

When you stretch your muscles, you reawaken and rejuvenate them, preparing them for movement and utilization. If only you could stretch your brain the same way you  stretch your hamstrings.

Scorpio

Lately you have been marveling at the fact not so long ago, you had beautiful penmanship you were quite proud of. After having spent a year typing on a computer though, you have come to realize you now scribble rather illegibly and you have never been so disappointed in yourself.

Sagittarius

Upon returning home to your beloved bed, you will be displeased to find it is full of the sleeping puppies your parents invested in, having missed you. Consider purchasing some allergy medicine, since your sinuses have never taken kindly to canines.

Capricorn

You want to see a movie, but you don’t want to spend an arm and a leg on silly 3-D glasses. You are in luck, there is a theatre in the southern region of downtown Denver that will accept a hand and an ear for payment, instead.

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