On Your Mind: Rainbow Flow of Conscience

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As part of a new online series called “On Your Mind,” DU MIND, in partnership with the Clarion, is accepting personal works about mental health. Selected works will be published in the Clarion’s online lifestyles section. Submissions may include: narratives, poetry, personal illustrations or any other personal work. Pieces can be submitted here. To submit anonymously, use the following information as your own when prompted by Dropbox:

First Name: Anon
Last Name: Submit
Email: anonymoussubmissionsdu@gmail.com

And they lived happily ever after…that is what I want to hear. While it is true that, yes, most

couples do not “live happily ever after” they still have something I don’t, each other. I want to

have someone there that is willing to comfort me when I am down, someone I can comfort. If

only I could find someone to spend the rest of my life with, but none of this will come to

fruition, at least not until I come to terms with who I am.

 

It would be amazing to go on a date, one where I was actually interested in the person across

the table. It would be great to not feel guilty, or misleading. Someday I hope that I can find that

person who will help me to see things differently.

 

I seem to think every person that walks by would be the perfect match, but I edge toward

simply focusing on that superficial façade we all portray. Friendships seem to disappear since all

I can focus on is the fact that the person sitting next to me has perfect eyes or hair. I wish I

could say “looks don’t matter” but they seem to matter in some sense. They matter enough to

drive me insane.

 

The chills I get when I pass one of the jocks on my way to class. If only he were mine…but that

would never happen. Looking back the feelings I have spilled, more or less, seem like what one

would expect of the average teenager, but for me it is different. Why? I am gay.

Gay jocks are hard to come by, and is that actually what I want? More so is this who I want to

be? No. While I would love a tall handsome man, I also want love, not lust. I fear I myself have

in my own thought process leaned too far toward lust, but in the end I know in my heart lust is

not what I want.

 

I want a happily ever after, but maybe that happily ever after is not in a relationship, maybe it is

not even in being gay. For now, I will pull myself together and try to center myself on moral

objectives rather than where I have been. Maybe if I torture myself enough I will be clean.

If you are just as afraid as I, don’t make the same mistake of hiding from yourself.

 

DU MIND is a club working to end the stigma on college campuses towards mental illness, starting at DU. All submissions are anonymous unless otherwise noted.

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